Almost

Hi. Its been years, I miss writing down and reflecting myself to what I've done and wish I had. Ever since I entered a relationship, I've been to long distance relationship. Some of 'em are just hours away, but most of 'em were half world far. Aint that funny? I don't know to myself either why can't I just look for someone near me. I had, but twas a hell. I had 8 ex's, i just thought it will just be that. But it went to 9. I know, you gon be like "oh my.." I'm not even into the numbers and shit, I can't get over with my 9th. He's one of the LDR, unfortunately i "had". 

He's my chulo. Mexican-American, soon to be 20. Cool, funny loving, sweet caring, RESPECTFUL strong, humble, EVERYTHING. Honestly saying, I AM SO PROUD OF HIM. We had a wonderful crazy married couple like time together for 2 months. Haha, go laugh but it aint about how long you've been. It's about how did you make it a better relationship. Well anyways, braggin out of bitterness I gave everything to my man. Everything a man could ever need. Catered all. I never demand time to anyone, nor to anybody. What you give me, i'm cool with it. I understand him without hesitating, i know he been missing out on me and been often but it's aight, at least he's safe. That's all I need to know.

Tbh, out of all the LDR i had, this one is the hardest. Probably because I love him unconditionally, gave him everything- My heart, my mind, my soul. I was so happy.. Sigh then one time we went down to talk. I already had a feeling about this. At first time I've heard his side, I know he's pressured. But I don't know the reason but good thing he said it. Lol I let him breathe.. I was relieved and thanked cos my fella said "If he comes back, he's for you. If not, then he aint". He went back eventually. Oh goodness! :) It was really tough on my part understanding someone you really love, not demanding anything though you know you need it. Oh man, I still feel there's something wrong. Like, its not yet okay. 

Friday came, he happened to message me after few days of not be able to talk. Then he spilled it out. Called on viber and there, serious talk it landed on one thing- END. I was so upset, I never thought. i dont know what to think I said fine, im cool with it just better be sure yall safe. He said he gotta do it for me, WHY DOES IT HAVE TO BE ME? I tried to explain to him I'll be fine but I looked stupid and still, it went that way. It's been 23 days since it was officially called, off.

I STILL LOVE HIM I REALLY DO

But things are not the same as way before, yes I admit I talk to people now tryna divert my attention. Well no matter how much they talk to me cater everything especially those of my closest, they aren't him. they'll never be. I told my former man about it, "I wish you were the one giving and filling those up" and replied "He gives you everything you need.. just like I can't. Even if I wanted to.." and I said to him "I'm thankful for it but its far way different from someone comforting you and catering those than to someone you wish is the one giving it". 

I felt bad about telling him how i feel about us, i was grinding, i'm hurt. I love him, I still do. I just wanna tell him I want this to work out but he didn't let it. I wish if ever I'll go back, I wanted to see him as he wanted to see me. I'm having mixed emotions whenever I'm thinking about him, me and US. 

Te agradezco aun a pesar de lo que ha pasado. Lo siento por lo que actue por ti, no puedo evitarlo. Te amo tanto Danny. Lo siento por ser estupido, lo siento por el amor, solo quiero al entrenamiento. Espero que estas bien. Cuidate. Sabes quanto te amo y te extrano. Por favor, cuidate muchousted y su familia. Te quiero..

I know it's not yet the end, this would be just the start. But I hope, both of us will end in the same finish line.

~ End

Tough start 2014

Hey yall. well i haven't been much on my blog for ages, anyways I came down to write some of the things that i've dealt with, been and will be dealing with. I still can't get over my 5291 thing well its my fault anyways. But I know I will be, someday be one of them. Second of which is my relationship. Ugh, it's just meh! I'll just write a separate blog bout it. Another one is our thesis! Hell naw that thang. We're 80% done anyways but i'm being hit by laziness. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo oh Lord! I know we can all do it, good luck to us. I'm getting huge, and im drop dead serious. I don't know why! This arms is killing me. I look like flappy pig. Lol well forget about it i'll make it happen.

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